smallfandomflsh | Riptide, Nick/Cody, Challenge #11: Time, Valis2

Title: From the Sky to the Sea
Author:

valis2
Fandom: Riptide
Pairing/Characters: Cody Allen/Nick Ryder
Rating/Category: R/Pre-slash/Slash/Angst
Word Count: 5600
Summary: Nick belongs to the sky, and Cody belongs to the sea.
Warnings: Masturbation, m/m kissing
Author's notes: A huge thank you to

tinx_r for the inspiration!

Nick Ryder belonged in the air.

He'd dreamt of wings, clouds, darting breezes, ever since he was old enough to dream. He could fly a chopper through a howling storm and set her down as light as a pin. His hands could tame the wind herself. He knew the feel of her, her every whim, he could taste her. He loved her on his skin.

Boats were a different matter entirely. Water hid its secrets in unfathomable murk, cloaked its intents. He hated calm surfaces that could hide something terrible. But Cody was his lodestone, and where Cody went, he followed.

Cody, so golden, so warm...he swam like a fish, loved diving, loved the sea. Nick shuddered to think of what could happen below. What the cold waters held.

The years flowed into each other, and one woman after another walked through their lives. He lost count. And then he lost interest. He took longer and longer flights in the Mimi, trying to ease his troubled thoughts, trying to break free of the ocean, but it was always there.

Reserves duty was heaven. Hours in the chopper, his mind on the fires, nothing to think about except the wind and the smoke. Commands and squawks from his headphones. Two weeks without a hint of blue. The chopper was in his hand. Everything made sense.

He took a cab home from the airport because no one was there to meet him. Every mile he crossed was another mile away from peace, toward some dread he couldn't even name. Seeing the Riptide held no joy. Seeing the water made him wish he had stayed back with the forest fires.

The boat was empty, and he tossed his luggage into the bedroom and made his way up onto the deck. He leaned on the railing and watched the sun as it slid beneath the waves.

He went to bed early and slept fitfully, awakened by Cody's clumsy attempts to get into his own bed quietly. He fell asleep again and dreamt of being caught by the wind and lifted above the trees.

The next morning he woke before the sun came up. A hot shower and shave did nothing to ease his mood. Standing in the cabin, he watched through the blinds as the day grew brighter. The boat was perfectly still in the water, and he could almost imagine he was on land.

"Nick?"

He turned to see Cody emerging from the doorway, rubbing his left eye with his hand and yawning. Cody looked exhausted, his hair sleep-tousled, dark circles beneath his eyes. And there it was again, the feeling Nick had been running from, that perfect spiral of fluttering in his belly when he saw Cody. It was unmistakable. The truth was staring him in the eyes, all six feet of it, all deeply tanned and shirtless. He suppressed the urge to run straight for the Mimi and instead forced himself to mutter, "Morning. Haven't made coffee yet."

Cody blinked and rubbed the other eye. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Nick turned back to look out across the harbor. Mirror-smooth water, reflecting all of his disquieting thoughts.

"I'm sorry we couldn't pick you up..."

Nick assumed Cody would head for the coffee pot next, but was surprised when a hand appeared on his shoulder. "Don't worry about it," he said, shrugging away from him, and he went up to the deck, refusing to look back.

There was no breeze at all. The world was calm and cool, unlike his head, which felt hot and overstuffed with emotion. He didn't even want to look at his heart, which had gone and done the stupidest thing imaginable. He lined up the women he'd dated in his head. All pretty, all nice, all of them eager to be with him, and yet here he was, lovesick over Cody.

He winced and put his head in his hands. He couldn't imagine how it could be worse. He couldn't leave Cody, but he couldn't stay here, either. Nick hadn't had a date in months, but Cody was still bringing home a girl every few weeks, and the thought of having to watch this for months--years--the thought of Cody finding one he really liked and leaving--

He swore and headed for Mimi.

There were repairs he could lose himself in, but it was the air he needed more. He needed to be in control. He rose into the perfectly blue sky, flying up the coastline with no thought in his head of where to go, but his heart could not let go. He was consumed with the image of Cody, tired and worried and so damned perfect in his sleepy blue-eyed glory that he cursed again.

He'd never known anyone so well before, had never been able to live in someone else's thoughts the way he could with Cody. One look was all he needed to see inside and know exactly what needed to be done.

And what was it that needed to be done here? Profess his love for Cody?

How would he react?

Mimi listed sharply to starboard, and he evened her out, his mind roiling. Cody wouldn't kick him out, but their easy camaraderie would be broken. His stomach clenched as he thought of Cody looking at him differently, avoiding brushing against him on the boat, hell, avoiding him entirely.

His heart felt like lead, and he turned Mimi around. No sense wasting any more time in the air, it wasn't helping.

He set her down and tinkered with her a bit, trying to lose his thoughts in the concentration of repair, but his head ached so much that he gave up.

Back at the Riptide, he breathed a sigh of relief when he found her empty. A few aspirin tablets and a couple swigs of beer were all his stomach seemed to be able to handle. The dead calm continued, and the cool morning air had stagnated into something stifling. He took off his sweater and put on a t-shirt, snagged his sunglasses, and went back up to the deck.

He lay down, the boat warm against his back, and looked up at the sky. The smell of the ocean was everywhere, salty and sharp, and he tried to count the contrails and the seagulls. He heard voices echoing across the water and tried to guess who they belonged to. None of it really distracted him from the ball of tension in his chest. The wind had failed him, Mimi hadn't helped, and now the ocean was under him, still and calm, and he was frightened beyond belief.

Yes. He had to admit it. He was terrified. There was no way that he could keep this from Cody for long. Cody knew him just as well, and it might only take one look for him to figure it out. He tried to push it from his head, but he knew it was only a matter of time. As calm as the water was, it was still water, treacherous and deep, and he was adrift.

Damn.

Things blurred, circled lazily, and he slid into a dream where he stood at the railing, watching the shore recede into a hazy blur. He could see a figure on the beach. Something felt deeply broken, but he couldn't fix it, he could only feel the shards under his feet. A woman laughed. There was no wind at all, the Riptide moved in lazy circles by herself, and he could faintly hear a familiar voice calling his name.

The voice was louder now, and suddenly Cody was shaking him by the shoulders. "Nick, buddy, c'mon! Wake up!"

He pushed his hands away. "I'm awake!"

"How long have you been up here?"

"I don't know." His head felt worse. He took off his sunglasses and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead.

"C'mon, it's too hot up here." Cody tugged on his sleeve.

Nick stood up, and dizziness swamped him. Only Cody's grab for his arm kept him from falling over. "I'm all right!" he snapped, but he didn't pull away.

"Like hell you are," said Cody, sounding hurt and angry and bewildered at the same time, and dragged him down to the cabin, pushing him into a seat behind the table. "What's going on? Did something happen during Guard duty?"

"No." Nick put his head in his hands. He felt entirely too hot.

"At the airport?"

"No."

"During the cab ride back?"

"No."

"Then what is it? Nick, you know you can tell me anything."

Anything but this. "Yeah, I know." He felt miserable. "Look, I'm just gonna lie down."

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

"You should take some aspirin."

"Already did."

"When?"

"When I woke up this morning."

"Nick, it's two o'clock in the afternoon. Take some more."

"Fine." He got up slowly, knowing that Cody was watching him like a hawk, and opened the bottle, spilling out two pills. Cody handed him a glass of water and he tried not to think about him as he swallowed the chalky tablets, tried not to think of how close they were standing to each other, how worried Cody looked, how much he wished that he could...

Frustrated, he put the glass down harder than he intended to, and took off for his bed, nearly growling in annoyance when Cody followed him.

"I don't need to be tucked in," he said, sitting down on the bed and taking off his shoes. Another wave of dizziness passed through him.

"When did you eat last?"

Nick lay down on the bed, closing his eyes and trying to ignore Cody. It wasn't easy. He could feel him in the room, smell his aftershave. How could he possibly live like this? How could he be this close to him and yet not have him? It would be a living torture. In fact, it was very near it already. He felt the bed dip and resisted the urge to growl in dismay.

"Nick, whatever is going on, you can tell me." Cody's hand rested on his arm.

"I don't want to talk about it." He winced, realizing that he had broadcast the fact that there was, in fact, an it that could be discussed.

"Nick, you've been really quiet lately, and Murray and I are both worried..."

"I'm fine," lied Nick. The hand on his arm tensed.

"You're not fine," said Cody. "You're about as opposite from fine as you can get. I know something's wrong."

Nick opened his eyes. Cody looked worried, as expected, but in his eyes he looked frightened, which Nick hadn't expected. "Look, I'm sorry to worry you. I have a headache. I'm not feeling that great. Could we just drop this?"

"Fine," said Cody. "As long as you tell me later."

Nick gritted his teeth. "There's nothing to tell."

Cody looked stung, probably because he knew that Nick was lying again. "Fine."

Nick watched as he left. Sleep refused to come to him, and instead the same thoughts circled around his head until he thought he would go crazy. He heard Murray and Cody, their voices hushed, and he knew they were talking about him.

He needed to pretend that nothing was wrong. He needed to hide this, to bury it so deep within himself that not even Cody would suspect. Impossible. If he drowned this feeling, it would emerge ten times stronger.

I can't lose him.

One thing was clear to him. If he told Cody how he felt, it would destroy what they had. He didn't think that any guy, no matter how good a friend, could deal with a revelation like that without distancing himself, without serious issues. And he just couldn't inflict it on Cody. He didn't want them both to be miserable. Even the knowledge that he was already causing stress to Cody was painful.

The Riptide was quiet, and Nick came up from the bedroom, scrounging in the fridge and finding leftover Chinese food. Some aspirin, a helping of chicken fried rice, and a few bottles of beer later, and he felt a little bit better.

That is, until Cody and Murray entered, looking like they had just been in a scuffle.

"What happened?"

"We were finishing up a case," said Murray. "These guys jumped us!"

"Are you okay?" asked Nick, immediately looking at Cody, who sported a black eye. Cody only nodded.

"My new tracking device worked!" said Murray excitedly.

"That's great, Murray," said Nick, taking another swig of beer. Cody looked at the empty seat next to him, and then tore his eyes away.

"It's really boss." Murray showed him the tracking unit, but Nick couldn't even tell if it had buttons or knobs, because his entire consciousness was focused on Cody.

"I think I can upgrade the frequencies..." continued Murray.

"Yeah, sounds like a good plan," said Nick. "I'm going to get some frozen peas for Cody, though. Looks like he needs them."

"What? Oh, of course, Nick," said Murray, tapping the device. "I'm going to check this out further..." He disappeared, heading toward the computer room.

Nick moved past Cody, deliberately not touching him, and grabbed a bag of frozen peas from the freezer.

"I'm listening," said Cody.

"There's nothing to say," said Nick, handing him the peas. "I didn't realize we were on a case...you should have told me."

Cody sat down behind the table and leaned back, putting the bag over his eye and groaning. "You didn't seem like you were up for a case."

"I would have helped."

Cody sighed in relief. "I know, buddy. But we did just fine."

Nick's heart squeezed a little when he thought of what could have happened. The idea of Cody out there without him was a horrible feeling; ice water ran down his spine. "Bruises, ripped clothing...sure, I can see that. Looks like you did great."

Cody turned to look at him with his good eye, surprised. "Look, you were hiding in bed, you weren't talking--"

"Hiding?" Anger exploded in Nick's chest. The fact that it was true made it worse. "I just got back from two weeks in the air--"

"Guys?" said Murray, reemerging. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine," said Nick, glowering at Cody. "I'm just going out for a walk." He got up and left, ignoring the concerned expressions on both faces.

The evening air was still and humid. He walked down the pier, going nowhere except away from the Riptide. Few people were out, and the lights were dim. He reached the end and watched as the moon traveled lower through the sky, heading toward the horizon.

Cody hadn't been safe, Nick hadn't been there, that black eye could have just as easily been something worse...

Nick's thoughts looped in on themselves, and he sighed. With no breeze, the air was suffocating. He sat down on a rock and tried to regain his composure.

The moon vanished under the water.

Cody was in bed by the time Nick returned, and Nick followed suit, climbing quietly into his own bed and not bothering with any covers because it was too damned warm.

The next morning Nick was up early again, and after a shower and shave, he sat down with the paper, determined to get back to normal. At least, to pretend like things were normal. Murray was up before Cody, and eagerly told him about the case from the night before. Unfortunately, it sounded like they weren't going to get paid, and Murray also confirmed that they didn't have any other cases yet.

He pulled out the bills that had been left for him and checked the woefully inadequate balance of their checking account. Sighing, he wrote out a few checks. Murray was absorbed in a large book about electrical wiring for small devices. Nick grimaced at the taste of the stamp glue as he stuck them on the envelopes. At least worrying about the money meant a few minutes he wasn't worrying about Cody.

As if on cue, Cody emerged from the doorway, looking no better than he had the night before. Nick could immediately see that he had spend a sleepless night, and his eyelid had swollen nearly shut. Nick got up and went for the freezer. "I'll get the peas." Cody nodded his thanks and slid in where Nick had been sitting.

"Here." Nick handed them to Cody as he slid in next to him, trying not to think about how close he was, the warmth radiating from his bare arm, or the fluttering in his stomach. Cody took the peas gratefully and held them against his eye.

"Looks like you two didn't do much grocery shopping," said Nick, trying to sound casual.

"We were on a case," said Murray, looking up from his book. "A surveillance case! We even used binoculars."

"Right." Nick rubbed his eyes. "Well, I'm going shopping."

"Do you need any help?" asked Murray.

"No, I think I can handle a few groceries." A single backwards glance as he left confirmed that Cody still looked miserable.

The week dragged on. No cases meant more tension on the boat. The weather grew steadily warmer and more oppressive. The hot stillness of the air was nearly unbearable.

Nick tried to keep himself in check, but it was difficult, especially because Cody was so damned close all the time. Yet to be apart hurt just as much.

The wind finally rose up one night, its cool relief rocking the boat gently, and Nick lay in his bed, wishing that he knew what to do. He was drenched in sweat, and he knew that Cody was equally sleepless in his own bed.

He pulled on a pair of shorts and went up to the deck. The moon was a thin thumbnail of itself, being dragged down into the ocean once again, and he sat on the edge of the boat, reveling in the breeze that had finally broken the stillness. The sweat on his skin turned cool. The boats swayed at their docks, and he had to admit that after so many years on the Riptide, he was finally beginning to appreciate the rhythm of the waves.

He heard footsteps behind him, and nearly cursed aloud as Cody sat down next to him, shattering his small moment of peace. He went to get up.

Cody's hand was on his arm, insistent, keeping him there. "Nick, I know something's bothering you."

"Nothing is bothering me," he said automatically.

"C'mon, Nick," said Cody, sounding angry. "You can't play me like this. I know you better than I know myself, and something's eating at you. Even Murray thinks so."

"I'll be fine. I just need some time."

Cody's grip tightened. "That's bull. You've had time, and it's not helping. Every time I look at you I can see you're in trouble. What's going on?" His hand relaxed. "Is it...are you thinking of..."

"'Nam? No." Nick looked away from him, back to the moon, which had almost lost its battle to stay in the sky.

"Did something happen on the trip?"

"I told you, no."

"Then what is it?"

Nick could hear the sound of desperation in Cody's voice, and knew that his hiding act hadn't worked; if anything, Cody was more frightened than before. The thought of Cody torturing himself over Nick's problems was almost too painful to bear. But Nick couldn't tell him. "There's just...something I can't have."

Cody looked bewildered. "Look, we'll get another case, we'll go pound the pavement--"

"No!" said Nick, exasperated. More quietly, he continued, "It has nothing to do with money."

"Ah." Cody was silent for a long moment.

The moon was almost gone, and the breeze grew stronger. Nick wished he had brought a shirt with him.

"Look, Nick, I'm sorry that I talked you out of taking that test pilot job, and if the trip meant you were thinking you wanted to keep flying..."

Nick almost laughed. "No, that has nothing to do with this." Then he froze. Too many hints, and Cody would guess.

"Are you upset because of a girl...?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said Nick, suddenly frightened. "I'm going back to bed."

"No, Nick, don't shut me out," said Cody. "Please."

Every muscle tensed. Nick wanted nothing more than to flee. Cody's grip was hot on his arm, and he did not let go, as if he were afraid that Nick would simply slip into the water to get away from him.

"You can tell me anything," said Cody, and their eyes met. "I mean it, Nick. Whatever's chewing you up inside...it needs to come out."

"I can't tell you," whispered Nick, tearing his eyes away. Cody's grip grew tighter. Nick couldn't help thinking of Cody, of everything he...loved about him. How beautiful he was, inside and out. How much he needed him.

"Look at me," said Cody softly. And Nick did, staring into Cody's eyes. Even in the dim light Nick could see right into Cody's thoughts, could tell how badly he was frightened, how the worry was unbearable. Nick couldn't help wishing he could hold him, be held, seek the comfort he desperately needed to receive and give back.

A sudden wave of understanding passed over Cody's face, followed by shock and something he couldn't identify, and Nick knew that Cody had finally guessed. He slid Cody's nerveless hand from his arm and turned and went back inside, getting in bed and facing the wall. He did not move a muscle when, hours later, Cody got into his bed on the opposite side of the room and lay there, unsleeping.

The next morning they pretended nothing had happened, but Nick felt his heart lurch every time Cody hesitated before sitting down next to him, or avoided brushing up against him on the stairs. Cody looked hurt and confused, and Nick ached to wipe both looks off his face, but knew that it was impossible.

Only in the shower could Nick feel his true feelings. He locked the door now, which he'd never done before, and stood under the spray of water, his heart scalding in his chest. Outside of the shower, he pasted an artificial smile on his face, trying not to let their discomfort upset Murray further.

A day merging into the next, and the next after that. He locked his emotions down tightly inside of him. He tried to get used to being this way. But every time he saw Cody's eyes, watched him avert his look, and the ensuing emotions on his face, Nick couldn't help but want to break down. Now he knew how Cody felt, watching him torture himself the week before.

The winds rose with a vengeance, rocking the boat each night and making it near-impossible to take Mimi out. He felt trapped. No cases yet, no scheming wives or suspicious husbands, and Nick watched their dwindling account like a hawk, stretching the groceries as best as he was able.

The night was cool and dark, the moon dark and unfathomable, and the Riptide gently rose and fell against the dock. He could hear Cody softly snoring and the rhythm of the water pulled him under as well.

The dream was fuzzy, indistinct, but he felt arms around him, comforting, a familiar voice in his ear, delicious breezes upon his skin. He tasted sweat on his tongue. He felt hands stroking him, touching him--

He came awake suddenly, gasping. The dim glow of the cabin revealed that it was just after dawn, and Cody still snored in his bed.

Nick got in the shower, turning the water on, panting; his hard-on throbbed, and he wrapped his hand around it, stroking hard and fast, desperate to bring himself off quickly. He closed his eyes and saw leftover dream-images; Cody, blue eyes shining, the press of his body against his own, fingers touching him--

He came with a shout, so hard he nearly passed out. One hand splayed against the wall, he stood, dizzy, trying to compose himself.

There was a bang at the door, and then the knob jiggled. "Nick? Nick! Are you okay?" Cody's fist connected with the door, pounding.

Nick was never more grateful that he had locked the door. "Yeah, I'm fine," he called out.

There was a pause. "Okay," said Cody, his voice muffled.

Nick slid down to the floor and sat there until the hot water ran out.

Nick came into the kitchen, yawning. "No calls?" he asked, sitting down next to Murray, who shook his head. A stack of bills was on the table, and he looked at them as he poured a cup of coffee. He hoped that they'd get a job, and soon.

"I can't live here," said Murray, not looking at him.

"What?" said Nick, completely taken off-guard.

"You guys are--you're both unhappy. It's making me unhappy, too." Murray's fingers twisted the electronic tracker in his hands. "Please, Nick, talk to him."

"Talk to me about what?" said Cody. He came into the room looking wary. Murray gave them both a sad look, and got up and left.

"Murray doesn't want to live with us anymore," said Nick.

"What? Why not?" asked Cody, looking devastated.

"He says we're miserable and it's catching." Nick glared at him.

"Don't look at me like that," said Cody. "I didn't start this."

"Start what?" said Nick, anger catching a spark within him and growing. "There's nothing started, in case you didn't notice. There's no reason for moping--"

"Hey, I'm not the only one moping. You're the one who brought this all out." Hands on hips, Cody radiated tension.

"Yeah, and you handled it so well."

Cody pointed a finger at him and made jabbing motions with his hand. "You're the one who couldn't deal with it. You're the one who still can't deal with it. I'm just trying to--damn it, you have to give me some time!"

"Time? Just like you gave me time?" shouted Nick. He got out from behind the table. "You drove me crazy until--"

"I tried to give you space," said Cody loudly. "I'm sorry if it was too hard for me to watch you destroying yourself!"

"So now what? You return the favor?"

"No! I mean--I don't--" Cody ran a hand through his hair.

"Look, I understand, this is not what you wanted to know about me," said Nick, trying to rein in his temper. "I get it. Really. I'm just trying to go back to the way it was before, and if it's...if you don't want me to..." He took a deep breath. "I'll leave if you need me to. I don't want you and Murray to be miserable."

Cody fixed him with an angry look. "It's okay for you to be miserable?"

"I'm getting used to it," said Nick, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No," said Cody. "Nick, just--just give me some time. Help me with this. I don't want Murray to leave. I don't want you to...leave."

"Fine," said Nick. "I'm going out to look for work. If we don't, this will all be moot anyway." He grabbed his keys and took off.

Hours later, and he'd handed out countless business cards, blanketed telephone poles with fliers, and run out of possibilities. Parking at the pier, he walked the length of it, feeling the harsh wind blowing in from the ocean. Waves slapped against the docks, boats bobbed at their slips, and he could not stop wishing that he'd just kept a better lid on his emotions. Better yet, that he could steer his heart on a new course.

The Riptide was dark when he entered. Murray's room looked the same, so Cody must have talked to him and convinced him to stay. Nick was tired and could not ignore the aching of his heart.

He took off his shoes and his sweater and lay down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how it had gotten so complicated so quickly. The day wound down, growing darker.

He closed his eyes, wishing for calm, but the rocking of the boat unsettled him, and the sound of waves slapping the boat was anything but calming. The voices grew closer, and lights were turned on. He heard Murray saying something in an excited tone; hopefully they had gotten a job. He sat up on the bed, swinging his legs over the edge and rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"Nick?" Cody's hand touched his shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He let his hands drop, and looked up into Cody's concerned expression.

Cody smiled. "Your fliers worked. We have a new case."

"That's great," said Nick without enthusiasm. "We really need one."

"I'm making dinner. Got steaks to celebrate."

Nick winced. They hadn't been paid for the new job yet, and Cody had already spent it. "Not hungry."

Cody looked hurt. "C'mon, Nick, you need to eat."

"I'm fine." He lay back down and turned his back on Cody. This was too hard. He had no idea how to be so close to him and not have him.

He heard them talking, smelled the steaks, and his stomach turned.

An uneasy dream sprang up around him, and he slept fitfully, tossing and turning amid images of waves and dark shapes gliding under the water. Cody was unafraid, swimming with sure, graceful strokes.

Nick woke up in the night, disoriented. Across the room he could hear Cody's deep breaths, and knew that he was asleep. Lying there in the dark, as the winds raged over the water and the pier, he felt as if he were being torn in two. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the pain.

Another dream ebbed and flowed, he was in danger and there was a chopper but he just couldn't reach it, and Cody pulled him the other way...

Slowly he woke, realizing that there was a hand on his arm, and he could hear Cody saying his name softly. He opened his eyes but could see little in the dark of the room. Cody's hand lingered, his fingers tracing an unknown pattern on his skin, and suddenly Nick was completely awake.

"Cody?" he asked.

Cody's other hand was on his collarbone now, and Nick didn't dare to breathe, not wanting to wake Cody if he were sleepwalking, or himself if he was the one doing the dreaming, and Cody traced the bone to his shoulder and then back.

"Nick, I...I'm not certain about this...about us," said Cody quietly. "I want...I want to try, but if we--if anything happens--God, Nick, I can't lose you."

Nick's heartbeat thundered in his ears, and he sucked in a startled breath and coughed.

"Nick?"

"I'm okay--" He coughed again, sitting up. Cody's left hand moved from his arm to his back, hesitantly, and Nick leaned against him, unbelieving.

"It was a shock," whispered Cody. "I had no idea that you felt that way. I've never though about...us like that. At first it seemed like a joke..." Nick pulled back, wanting to reply vehemently, but Cody shushed him. "Then when I really looked at you, I could see how much it meant to you...how much you cared. But it's...I don't know what to think..."

"I don't know either," said Nick, his heart in his throat. "I've been feeling this way for a long time, but I couldn't put it into words. And then, when I knew, I knew it was impossible, and it..." He put his arms around Cody and felt him tense.

"This is surreal."

"Yeah." Nick grinned in the dark. "It really is. But I'm willing to try."

"Even if it means..."

"If it doesn't work," said Nick, "it can't be more painful than seeing you every day and being unable to love you like I want to."

"I don't want to lose you."

Nick trembled. "I don't want to lose you, either. You're my best friend, you got me through 'Nam, you helped me after 'Nam..." Cody's mouth was on his, cutting off the rest of the sentence, and Nick responded passionately with a moan. Cody's lips were hot and wet against his own, and Nick was frightened by how good it felt.

Cody backed off, and rested his forehead against Nick's. "I never imagined doing this."

"I've never kissed anyone with a mustache before," said Nick. Cody chuckled, but Nick could still feel the tension in his arms. "Cody, I don't want to scare you. I don't even know what to do. If we take it slow..."

"Yes," agreed Cody, and kissed him again, returning the passion unexpectedly, pushing Nick against the bed. The feel of Cody's chest against his own, of Cody's hands on his arms, it was almost too much sensation at once, and Nick felt as if he were underwater, dark currents holding him down. Cody broke the kiss, and slid into the bed next to Nick, holding him.

"This feels like a dream," said Nick, still trembling, his head whirling.

"It does to me, too," said Cody, his hand hesitantly dropping to Nick's waist. "This isn't going to be easy."

"Nothing ever is." Nick kissed him gently, savoring the taste, nipping Cody's lower lip lightly.

"How are we going to tell Murray?" said Cody suddenly.

Nick groaned.

Just before dawn, Nick woke. An electric shock seemed to travel through his body when he realized that it hadn't been a dream, that he was really in bed with Cody.

He thought of the sky, his first home. He thought of flying among clouds, drifting over mountains. Cody slept next to him, deliciously warm and comforting, and he knew he had found his second home, adrift on the water, held securely in Cody's